Parenting was never easy. But it is even more difficult in current times when children get conflicting signals from their environment and those around them. On the one hand they have access to the whole world through the Internet and smartphones. On the other, they are restricted to behave in a certain way because of their gender. To counter this we need to adopt a gender neutral parenting style.

I am myself a parent now, so I understand the concerns of a parent towards their child’s safety. But I also realize that they need equal opportunities to reach their full potential. We cannot ask our daughters to be confident, outspoken and broad-minded but also impose a curfew on where they can go, with whom and when.

In my previous post on how women can fight gender discriminations I promised to come up with some pointers to bringing up our kids in a gender neutral way.

When I started randomly jotting down actions that are gender specific or gender biased, I ended up listing some really mundane things like:

  • It’s okay for boys to pee in the open
  • If the mother is ill/indisposed, the daughter of the family is expected to manage household chores
  • Girls must know how to cook; it’s okay for boys not to know
  • Girls should avoid going to the neighbourhood shop after dark
  • Boys can move about the house dressed in vest and shorts, girls should not

I think the most shocking part was that we probably don’t even notice what we are doing. We have been conditioned for so long that we don’t find such actions or statements offensive. Only when you stop to ponder that you realize something is wrong.

Not done. Not at all done.

It’s the little things that make a difference and we will have to take care of it. Here are a few ways in which we can make a small start.

No pink for girls and blue for boys

Even before a kid is born, the colour of their clothing, toys and room decor is decided. I remember being revolted by pink colour just a few months after my elder daughter was born. That too when baby pink is one of my favourite colours. I think 99% of the gifts we received were pink. I was glad that at least my mother bought red and yellow clothes for her granddaughter; colours traditionally reserved for newborns in my family. 

Say no to gender based toys and games

It is inherent in our mindset to typecast games as “boys’ games” or “girls’ games.” And this classification is pretty strong. If a boy like playing with dolls with his siblings or friends, he is deemed to be “sissy.” God! give him a break; he is too young to understand this gender divide and behave accordingly. And even when he grows up, what’s the harm in that if that’s what he wants.

Avoid Categorizing Tasks Based on Gender

Again, we have been conditioned since our own childhoods to look upon tasks as boyish or girlish. Going to the neighbourhood shop, moving heavy objects around the house, tinkering with electronic toys, etc. is boyish, or must be done by boys. On the other hand, cleaning up the cupboard/room, helping mom to set the dinner table, folding clothes, etc. are considered a girl’s job. Frankly, in the age group that we are talking of, all jobs can be and should be done by all kids, irrespective of their gender.

No gender-based benchmarks for acceptable behaviour

When my daughter was in Class 2, her teacher advised her to behave in a certain way because she is a girl:

  • No running around in the class
  • No fighting with classmates, especially boys
  • No shouting and talking loudly
  • Being obedient

Thankfully, my daughter hardly ever obliged and the poor lady had a tough time disciplining her!! I think all of the above guidelines should apply equally to girls and boys. We can do with some good mannered kids, be they girls or boys!!

Make our vocabulary gender-neutral

If you think I am going too far, believe me I’m not. Some of the words that I wish would disappear from the dictionary of mothers of small kids are – tomboy, girly, boyish, sissy, macho. And here are two sentences that I just hate:

  • Don’t cry like a girl
  • Be strong like a boy

What I’ve touched upon is but the tip of the iceberg. But a start has to be made somewhere. Many urban millenial parents have adopted gender neutral parenting style but we need it to be more widespread and penetrate to tier-2 and tier-3 cities as well.

My idea is to start a discussion on the issue and I welcome ideas and suggestions from all my readers about how we can ensure a more widespread adoption of gender neutral parenting in India.

Meanwhile, Happy Parenting!!